I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He? As in you personified your dick?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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