I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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