Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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