I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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