im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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