I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
