Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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