when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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