Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
