consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
