the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
