sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
