I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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