You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
