i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
