nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
