My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
