Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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