I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
