She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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