i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Randomize
