Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
