Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize