we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
