they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize