All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
