You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
