Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
