When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
