I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We are two peas in an std pod
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
