I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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