He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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