bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
