There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
