sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
