I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I look better un-naked...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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