Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
