My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
