Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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