I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Randomize
