Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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