I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
