After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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