Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
