Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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