well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
