I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
