you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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