i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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