actually, I'm a sock model
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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