She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
