After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
