One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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