So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
