Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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