she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize