my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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