I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
