How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
