this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
