Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize