My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
